Janka Bond

Effective Communication in a Relationship



Posted: Friday, June 17, 2011

by Janka Bond
http://www.thingstodosandiego.blogspot.com

One of the major problems that can negatively affect a relationship is poor communication.  I have been reading a lot about how learning how to communicate with each other successfully  is crucial to harmonious co-existence.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it. It seems that all you need is willingness to talk to and listen (really listen!) to your partner with empathy. Yet, “Effective Communication” is another concept that seems like a no-brainer but is actually harder to understand and implement in everyday life.

After reading “Getting the Love you deserve” by Dr. Harvile Hendrix, we started practicing the concept of reflective listening.   The three main points to remember here are:

I felt that this type of discussion brought us closer. It’s an interesting concept and I think it works (when we actually use it). I have observed that if we manage to convey (negative) message or our opposing viewpoints “the right” way, the results are dramatically different than if we just let emotions take over. I will admit, we haven’t always been successful using this strategy and felt compelled on a few occasions, to bring up issues while they were “hot”. As one can imagine, when emotions run high, avoiding reactivity is impossible.

I have learned from my own experience that if one is high on emotions, such as hurt or anger, it’s best to try and take some time before addressing the issue. This will allow you to approach your partner in a cool and composed way and will make the discussion much more constructive.  Being calm will help you listen to each other and validate each other’s viewpoints.

When you listen to your partner, try avoiding the mistake of formulating your answer in your mind while they are talking, ready to fire up as soon as they are finished. Think about what they said and try to imagine how they feel. It might seem crazy to you at times, but their opinion is just as valid as yours. I believe that when you partner feels they are listened to, they will make greater effort to listen to you.

Often, in any fight or disagreement you may have with your partner, it is easy to give in to the temptation to try to be “right” and therefore see your partner as “wrong.”But just because your partner’s opinion or viewpoint is different, it does not mean it is wrong.

Think about the underlying reasons and mechanisms that result in conflict. If you need to examine some issues deeper, take advantage of couples therapy. Don’t look at seeking professional counselling as something to be ashamed of, it might be just that little help you needed to see things differently.

What I think is most important? Be patient with yourself and your partner. Change or improvement doesn’t happen overnight and you will slip (I have). Don’t beat yourself up.(I did).  Rather, focus on the progress you have made, such as turning what might have become an argument into a constructive conversation. When we discuss something, and we remain calm,  and hug each other at the end, I make sure to point out our success. With no hard feelings and both parties seeing the issue as having been resolved, I think these types of discussions serve to allow us to learn about each other and strengthen our relationship.
Janka currently works at a community college in Chula Vista, California. She has always had passion for writing but only recently decided to fully explore it and progressively engage in it. Relationships, in general as well as her own, have always been intriguing and inspiring her, so she will probably explore this topic in most of her work. She enjoys posting articles on JamesandJanka, a website dedicated to couples in San Diego area and everywhere.

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