Do you know your Relationship Role Model?
Posted: Saturday, June 04, 2011
by Janka Bond
http://www.thingstodosandiego.blogspot.com
Our relationship role models influence how we perceive love, what it means for us to love and to feel loved. They shape expectations we have when it comes to our romantic relationships; they influence what we consciously or subconsciously consider important in a relationship. Role models shape our vision of ideal relationship.
During my research, I came across this advice: To have a good marriage, choose good relationship models. The question is, however: Are we always in control over who our role models are?
Why is it helpful to identify your relationship model? Besides learning about yourself, it may help you illustrate what is realistic and what is not when it comes to your expectations in a relationship.
Have you examined, or thought about where your relationship model came from? Unfortunately, my parents have not become my relationship role models. Quite the opposite. How does this affect or form my expectations? What if you, as a child or in your forming years, observe the kind of relationship that is not a desirable one? For example, a relationship without any closeness or intimacy? Do you base your ideal relationship exactly on the opposite? Does this set you up for an eternal search for something you never really feel you can have?
The top priorities on my “ideal relationship” list are the deepest connection and intimacy on the deepest level. No other person should have that kind of intimacy with my partner, and I am not talking about physical intimacy, I am talking about emotional intimacy. Knowing each other on a level that nobody else knows us. A sacred circle. I have never seen this at home. I guess I grew up in the opposite. So where does it come from? Could it be that that’s what I never saw at home, therefore I have always subconsciously desired what I never saw as a child?
“I want to be the closest person to you”, I said to my husband once and watched the silent smile on his face. “What?” I asked. “I think you are, but it doesn’t matter”. “Why not?” I inquired.
“Because you will never realize it” he responded.
That got me thinking. Are my expectations unrealistic? It seems I have some searching to do. I might have to think about re-evaluating my relationship model (when I find it). Psychology Today posted an interesting article about how to establish healthy relationships without good role models:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ironshrink/201008/healthy-relationships-without-good-role-models
Think about where your relationship model came from. Start with describing your ideal relationship. What is on top of your list? What requirement or expectation would you never compromise? What does your ideal relationship look like? Do you know who did you learn it from? Do you know your relationship role model?
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)I have thought much about this and noted that my wife was unlike my model. However, my model was my mother, and a good friend. This is an excellent topic and makes people think. Thanks for your contribution.Thank you for reading and commenting Christofer. By the way, congratulations on being happily married for more than 30 years. Would you please (or have you already) write an article titled: Secrets to a happy, long-lasting marriage???I will consider your request and am honored that you have done so. I am enjoying your article, the more I think about it. Yours, Chris
There's no doubt my parents have always been and will always be my relationship role models...30+ years of marriage and still going strong.You are very lucky Derek, thank you for commenting. I hope you don't mind me asking: Do you feel that growing up in such a positive environment, when it comes to a relationship role model, has given you the right guidance in forming your adult romantic relationships? You can email if you prefer. Thank you!
Oh dear...I fear my relationship model is based on those seen in old black and white movies. The Betty Davis ones...this explains a lot! :(Thank you for reading and commenting LeahG, do I sense tragedy in your response? Please share! :-)Hi Janka, The tragedy is that thus far my relationships have not met the 'standard' that I hope for and the men and the relationship generally fall short some way. If I am hoping for a an 'old film' style romance, that would explain why. These representations are perhaps not based on real life...but I wouldn't know that. I didn't have any other relationship models growing up. The powerful role models in my life were single females and I do now favour that status myself.
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