Couples Exercise – Conflict Resolution

Another gorgeous Saturday afternoon, another location, another couples exercise. This time, we headed to the Spanish Landing in San Diego marina. We sat down on our blanket and looked at the water stretching in front of us. With the late afternoon sun warming our skin, feeling the refreshing breeze coming from the bay, we laid there in silence for a while, and watched the sailboats pass by, making way through diamonds glittering on the water surface. The serenity of it all provided a perfect setting for our conversation.

We pulled out our note books and let the exercise lead us in our conversation. The topic we chose was “Ten Steps to Resolving Couple’s Conflict". Like any other couple, we have our disagreements from time to time. The more we get to know each other; our needs and where they come from; the easier it is to deal with our differences.

We had taken care of the first step:

1. Set a time and place for discussion

Next, together, we wrote down an issue that is often the reason for disagreements between us:

2. Define the problem or issue of disagreement

We agreed on one specific issue and moved onto the next question:

3. How do you contribute to the problem?

Both of us wrote on a separate sheet of paper what we thought we do/say/feel that contributes to the issue. We took turns reading our lists to each other. It’s important that while one person reads their list, the other person listens attentively. We took a minute to reflect on what the other person said, and without expressing our opinions about the partner’s list, we moved on to the next step:

4. List past attempts to resolve the issues that were not successful.

This time, after we read our lists to each other, we discussed the items on the lists further. We allowed space for follow-up questions and clarifications. This lead to an interesting discussion and discoveries.

5. Brainstorm. List all possible solutions

Here we took turns to come up with ten possible solutions. We didn’t think too much about how they might work or not; we wrote down whatever ideas we could come up with. Once we had ten ideas on the paper, we moved on to the next step:

6. Discuss and evaluate these possible solutions
7. Agree on one solution to try

We picked one solution each (one that was most appealing) and wrote them down again.

8. Agree on how each individual will work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.
9. Set up another meeting. Discuss your progress

We are going to find another serene spot to meet and talk about the issue and our progress this week.

10. Reward each other as you each contribute toward the solution. (I am looking forward to this part of the process).

The more attention you pay to the dynamics of your relationship, the more you realize the complexity of it. There is so much to talk about, so much to discover and so much to learn but I don’t mind. It’s an exciting process. And we have a life time.

We did this exercise based on Discussion Guide for Married Couples.