Common Language
Posted: Saturday, May 22, 2010
by Janka Bond
http://www.thingstodosandiego.blogspot.com
I am in a new relationship. It’s excitingly new and wonderfully fresh. Like a new journal that you got for your birthday recently; the leather cover that binds the book is shiny, without any scratches and when you open it and bring it closer to your face, you smell the newness on the blank white pages. You can’t wait to start writing about your daily events and capturing your thoughts. As we met and our relationship began evolving, we started writing our imaginary journal and so the first few pages are now slowly filling up. It’s completely up to us whether the entries will be full of laughter and understanding and we build a strong base for a great relationship. It’s up to us to decide how the story continues and which direction it takes. Sounds simple, doesn’t it. Girl meets Boy, Boy and Girl find out they have a lot in common, they fall in love and off they go; life time of happiness guaranteed. Well, yes, it definitely can be that Boy and Girl live happily ever after. But is it really that effortless?
The more I read, the more informed and, at the same time, more puzzled I get. I believe that most of us are familiar with the well-known “Mars and Venus" notion presented by a famous relationship expert. Based on this notion, the opposite sexes come from different planets when it comes to the way we communicate, express ourselves or share our opinions and feelings. It takes a lot of learning as well as willingness to be able to better understand the alien that sleeps next to you at night (Oh, and vice versa of course).
I must admit, based on my personal experience, I agree. Been there, done that. I can recall situations where an argument resulting from a misunderstanding was a bomb waiting to explode and dealing with the consequences was even harder. What makes it more confusing is that no matter how much you try to learn from it, every situation, every discussion and every couple’s dynamic is different. On the other hand, some argue that we are in fact more similar than we think. Talk about confusion!
For the first time, I think I am getting some clarity, being in the relationship I am in. Now, to make things even more complex, we met online and communicated that way most of the time during the first few months, living thousands of miles from each other. “Toronto to San Diego" could easily be the name of our imaginary journal. The web cam became my best friend. As we talked pretty much every day since the beginning of our interaction, we were both amazed by the endless similarities we kept finding during our long conversations. You can imagine that ours was not the typical dating ritual where you get to interact with the object of your desire in person every time you feel like it. I have never been what one calls “computer savvy", but during those first six months, I became an expert in information technology. When we eventually made a mutual decision to move in together, I heard my friends say “You’ll only really get to know each other when you live under one roof!" This, of course, was followed by my response: “Well, I think we know each other pretty well by now! And let me tell you – it could not be any more harmonious between us!"
And then...I moved in.
How surprised I was when my love, the one who I thought could not be anymore similar to me, said: “I don’t agree with you! That’s your opinion and I don’t see it that way!" We were standing in the kitchen shortly after moving in together, looking intensely at each other and trust me; our faces looked far from relaxed. There was a lot of frowning, tension, surprise, raised voices and even tears involved (well, ok...on my side), on more than one occasion. Now, I guess getting to know each other in virtual reality over the past six months has helped somewhat. What we managed to do in that kitchen (and in many situations afterwards) was to calm down, listen (very important) and enable ourselves to leave our own point of view for a minute in order to “put ourselves in our partner’s shoes". It might have taken more than a minute or an hour or even a day. You would be surprised what amazing results, with a little patience, that brought!
Am I just lucky that we are both able to say: “Look, this is how it makes me feel when you ..." Or “The reason why I reacted the way I did was..." Is it because we both read about relationships all the time? I am not sure. But it’s only now that I realize how important it is to be able to talk to each other! Really talk to each other! Take the time and talk. I had no idea how some of my actions made him feel. How would I know unless he told me? How would we be able to read those hidden messages unless we talked about how we, the unique individuals that we are, see and feel about certain situation? At more than one occasion, we were standing there completely amazed. Trust me; I am not the quiet type when it comes to letting someone know what I appreciate or dislike. I don’t expect to have my mind read either.
Let me tell you, I feel pretty confident writing this article now, simply because, through communication and some good will, we were able to sail through the thunderstorms of the beginning of our terrestrial relationship. I feel that we understand each other better as time goes by. How we were able to deal with the differences we realized we had, makes me believe we will sail smoothly in the future as well, whatever it brings to us.
I understand that there are many more, varied circumstances to come which will require communication, compromise and willingness to reach a common ground. I am not here to provide an expert advice, but to merely share my own experience. I believe that every couple, if they decided to be together for one reason or another, can apply this in their relationship in order to sail smoothly. I believe in communication. I believe in finding common language.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)I also believe in communication, and in each person being personally accountable for their emotions. Thanks for sharing this, Janka.Thanks for reading Jennifer! It's not always easy to get to effective communication in a relationship, but it's a learning process, isn't it...
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